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1. The best relationship advice ever

2. Among the ups, the downs, the way, way ups, and the oh-no-do-we-need-
to-break-up downs, it’s no secret that relationships are tough. But the sweet
reward of being loved and getting to love someone in return is what inspires
all of us to navigate these choppy waters. Sometimes, though, we need help
figuring it out. We asked the Cut’s readers to anonymously share the best
relationship advice they’ve ever received. Below, their pearls of wisdom.
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Late-night dispatches from a city ready to party.
1. My mom, who has been with my father for 47 years, once said to me: “I’m
not always in love with your father, but I always love him. And I’m always
surprised when I fall back in love with him.” I’ve been with my husband for
12 years. Because of my mom’s advice, I don’t panic when we’re going
through a tough time; I look forward to falling in love with my husband
again. And that moment is usually not sexy, like when one of our kids
vomits in the middle of the night and he gets up to help me clean it up and

3. then touches my foot with his foot when we finally climb back into bed.
That’s love.
2. That I cannot choose to prioritize the desires, whims, or life choices of a
significant other at the expense of losing my sense of self. If I become the
best version of who my partner wants me to be (or who I think he wants me
to be), I’m camouflaging all those wonderful parts of me that exist with or
without that person.
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3. When you get married, make sure the person you choose is someone
you’d not only want to marry but also to divorce. For me, it highlights the
importance of choosing someone who is gentle, caring, and good-hearted
not only in the good times but also in the bad times.
4. A good friend once told me that you have to “fit your own oxygen mask
first.” I was in a really bad place with depression and anxiety and trying to
make a relationship work that was never going to work, fixing all of his
issues and neglecting my own. It was the most intense wake-up-call piece of
advice I’ve ever received, and I now repeat it like a parrot to anyone asking
for advice. You can’t help anyone else until your own oxygen mask is firmly
fitted.
5. Relationships are not 50/50. They’re 100/100. You have to give all that
you’re capable of giving to your partner (love, understanding, forgiveness,
acceptance), and expect that in return.
6. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved
doesn’t mean they don’t love you. That really opened me up to thinking
about new ways of appreciating people, and made me less angry. I was

4. always expecting people to act how I wanted them to, but that is impossible
90 percent of the time.
7. When I got married, everyone told me, “Never go to sleep angry!” Well, I
found the exact opposite to be true. Sometimes, it’s really good to step away
from a heated conversation or disagreement and, you know, sleep on it.
Wake up fresh, renewed, and maybe with a different perspective.
8. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” This advice is
perfectly captured in this slumber-party video of Oprah and Maya Angelou.
Everyone needs this in their life.
9. When there’s conflict, turn inward to the relationship rather than
outward to others. Not sure where I heard this, but it’s affected my
relationships so positively. When something comes up, rather than talking
shit about my partner to my friends, I try to talk directly with him to hash it
out. It increases intimacy and prevents your friends from permanently
thinking poorly of your partner over what was likely a temporary problem.
10. Before starting an argument or getting upset over something small, ask
yourself, Do I want to choose intimacy or anger? It may seem like a no-
brainer, but checking in with myself that way has helped me recognize
when my emotions might be getting the better of me in any given situation
with my partner, and reminds me that most things are not worth fighting
over. There is usually a better way to communicate or understand where my
partner is coming from.
11. “Fuck happiness.” This advice stuck with me because it’s so to the point
and so opposite of what we’re taught to think. We are so sold on “happily
ever after,” but relationships are at their deepest when you can deal with
and support each other through the stupid days, the downtrodden days, the
boring days. Happiness isn’t the goal; it’s the result.

5. 12. My mom told me to always ask questions on a first date because
everyone wants to feel listened to. And to always dump the person who
doesn’t ask any questions back.
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13. “Don’t go into it thinking they’re the one.” This was super important
because I feel like if you go through betrayal at a young age (21 for me, at
the time) you just want to find your person and enjoy and grow with them
and live happily ever after. Oftentimes, by wanting this so badly, you push
other people into boxes that they don’t want to be in, instead of taking
things at face value, and the situation blows up in your face fairly quickly.
14. The best relationship advice I’ve received is something I literally found
on a therapy website: Be honest, with your partner AND with yourself. This
seriously helped me through a rough patch in my relationship, and reminds
me that I can only be honest with my partner if I’m honest about how I’m
feeling on my own first.
15. Best piece of advice was oddly from a film … in the Richard Curtis film
About Time, Bill Nighy’s character tells anyone looking for love to find
someone kind. It is such an underrated but essential trait in any partner,
and one that isn’t put high enough on “the list.” It struck such a chord with
me and I think about it daily in how I approach both romantic, platonic,
and professional relationships.
16. My mom told me when I was 15, “Boys are like buses, a new one comes
around every 15 minutes, so there’s no point of crying when you miss the
first one.” It made me realize that life goes on after a breakup, even when it
feels like the end of the world. There will be plenty of opportunities to find

6. love, and you can’t take rejection so seriously, especially when you’re
young.
17. “Staying is a choice.” My mom told me this when my marriage was
clearly over and I felt powerless, terrified, hopeless, all those dark places
you go when you know that it’s over but you stay and stay and stay, and try
and try some more, only to come to the same heartbreaking conclusions. I
learned to love myself above all else and to love myself enough to leave.
18. As women, we tend to want to nest and nurture and love. Sometimes it
means we try to fit a square peg into a round hole. When they’re not right
for you, let them go. I watched my mom do it for 20 years and then I did it
for 4 years. Thankfully, I learned my mother’s lesson.
19. Your partner is not a mind reader, whether it’s flowers or sex positions.
You can’t expect them to know your needs and desires unless you tell them.
20. It’s not about finding the person you want to share one life with. It’s
about finding the person you want to live your life with, like two separate
lanes going in the same direction. It’s the kind of relationship you have with
your sisters, your best friends, and hopefully one day, a partner.