Assertiveness skills

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Assertiveness Skills
Copyright © 2008 - 2012
managementstudyguide.com. All

Learning Objectives
What is
Assertiveness
The Need for
Assertiveness
Understanding
Behavior Patterns
Self Evaluation
Skills for
Assertiveness
Art of
Saying “NO”
Assertiveness
for Effective
Communication
Action Plan for
a New Assertive
You
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

You can not fix the whole
world but you can help a
small part of it
You can assert yourself
in an area worthwhile
to you
Assertiveness -
The Middle Ground
between being a
Bully and a Doormat
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

What is Assertiveness ?
Confirming confidently, positively.
To defend one’s rights or opinions,
sometimes with unnecessary
zeal…..
Chambers Dictionary
Expressing opinions
or desires strongly and with
confidence so that people take
notice..….
Oxford Advanced
Learners Dictionary
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

What is Assertiveness ?
An honest, direct, and
appropriate expression of
one's feelings, thoughts,
and beliefs
Assertiveness is the ability
to communicate your
needs, feelings, opinions,
and beliefs in an open and
honest manner without
violating the rights of others
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Assertiveness is NOT…
A guaranteed way to
win every argument
A guaranteed
Way to get
what you want
A way to get
others to feel
like you feel
or think like
you think
Telling everyone
everything all the
time
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Assertiveness involves
Saying "yes" when you want
to, and saying "no“ when you
mean "no“
(rather than agreeing
to do something just to please
someone else)
Deciding on, and sticking to,
clear boundaries – being
happy to defend your position,
even if it provokes conflict and
being confident about handling
conflict if it occurs
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Assertiveness involves
Understanding how to negotiate if two people want different
outcomes
Understanding how to negotiate if two people
want different outcomes
Understanding how to negotiate if two people
want different outcomes
Having a positive, optimistic outlook
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

What Assertiveness does not
Involve
Assertiveness is
not aggressiveness
or selfishness
Being assertive
does not involve
humiliating or
abusing other
people
Being assertive
does not mean
violating the
Rights of others
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

The Need for Assertiveness
The way we
communicate with
others and with
ourselves
ultimately
determines the
quality of our lives.”
~Anthony
Robbins
Relationships
slowly disintegrate,
one failed or
missing
conversation at a
time.”
~Susan Scott
…the meek do
not inherit the
Earth, they serve
those who are
self-confident and
self-assertive.
~Dean Koontz
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Need for Assertiveness
Lack of assertiveness leads to
Depression:
feeling helpless
with no control
over your life
Resentment:
anger at others
for taking
advantage of you
Frustration:
why did I let
that happen
Temper:
if you can't express
anger appropriately
it can build up to
temper outbursts
Anxiety:
you may avoid
certain situations
which make you
feel uncomfortable
Relationships:
when individuals
can't tell each
other what they
want
Stress:
stress can have
a negative impact
on the body
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Benefits of Being Assertive
Propels your career
Helps have better
relations with others
Reduces stress
Minimizes
any unpleasantness
Makes you feel
better about yourself
Vaults you into leadership
position
Able to adapt to changing
social and professional
environments
Freedom from guilt
conscience as you
know that you are right
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Understanding Behavior Patterns
Passive/
Submissive
Aggressive Assertive
3 Basic Types
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Passive Behavior Symptoms
Passive
Reluctant to express own opinions,
and feelings
Often feels used by others
Refrains from complaining
Finds it difficult to refuse the
requests of others
Acquiesces in the views and
desires of the majority
Is submissive in the presence of
aggressive behavior
Frequently makes compromises for
harmony Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Passive Behavior Reasons
Fear of rejection
Fear of upsetting others
Feeling responsible
Inappropriate inner voices
Passive Reasons
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Aggressive Behavior
Symptoms
Aggressive
Frequently argues with others
Frequently gets angry
Easily and frequently finds fault
with others
No difficulty in complaining when
receiving poor quality
Expects others to accommodate
own schedules
Continually works to personal
agendas at others expense
Rarely feels aware of the needs or
feelings of others Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Aggressive Behavior
Reasons
Disregard the needs
of others
Think as superior beings
Childhood emotional
trauma
Over-correction of being
too passive
Aggressive Reasons
Satisfying their own needs
Inappropriate dealing with
anger
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

assertive
Able to express desires and
feelings
Able to converse and work well
with people
Able to disagree with others
respectfully
Aware of the needs and desires of
others
Able to make concessions to others
Able to express a concern or a
need
Able to refuse a request without
feeling guilty
Assertive Behavior Symptoms
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Comparison
Passive Assertive Aggressive
Style Not expressing needs
Self-devaluing
Waiting to be led
Honest, open, direct
Recognises own rights
Listens to others’
needs
Domineering, insisting
Win / lose
Not listening
Non-verbal
behaviour
Small posture
Quiet, hesitant voice
Little eye contact
Upright, balanced pose
Firm, clear voice
Steady eye contact
Interrupting
Loud
Staring, pointing
Language Sorry to bother you
…
I can’t seem to …
It’s only my opinion
I believe/need/I’d like
No (when appropriate)
Open questions
That won’t work
You can’t be serious
Your problem / fault
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Transactional Analysis
I am
OK
You’re
OK
I am
Not OK
You’re
Not OK
Assertive
PassivePassive/
Aggressive
Aggressive
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
1. Can you express negative feelings about other people
and their behaviors without using abusive language?
2. Are you able to exercise and express your strengths?
3. Can you easily recognize and compliment other
people’s achievements?
4. Do you have the confidence to ask for what is
rightfully yours?
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
5. Can you accept criticism without being defensive?
6. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments?
7. Are you able to stand up for your rights?
8. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests from
friends, family, or co-workers?
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
9. Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation
with others?
10. Do you ask for assistance when you need it ?
If your answer is YES to all 10 questions, then You
are already practicing Assertiveness Skils.
More than 3 NO s for these 10 questions
indicates a need to understand and
acquire Assertiveness SkillsCopyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Non Assertiveness Test
.
1. Do you buy things you do not want because you are
afraid to say no to the salesperson?
2. When you do not understand the meaning of a word,
do you ask about it?
3. Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even
if it is not your fault?
4. Do you look directly at others when you talk to them?
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Non Assertiveness Test
.
5. Do you often text or email someone about a conflict
instead of talking to them face to face?
6. Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?
7. Do you generally have a poor and clumsy posture?
8. Do you often feel so angry you could scream?
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
9. Do you feel dependant when asking for help from
others?
10. If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you usually
tell them off?
If your answer is YES to more than 5 of these
questions, then your Assertiveness quotient is low.
Your behavior pattern may be tending
towards passive/ submissive or purely
Aggressive.Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Know Your Basic Rights
To Assert
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Skills for Assertiveness
Affirmations Techniques
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Liberation Cycle of
Assertiveness
Assertiveness
Cycle
POSITIVE AFFIRMATION
'I am assertive’
POSITIVE EXPECTATIONS
'I am persuasive when
necessary'
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
'I can understand your view
but my position is .....'
POSITIVE RESULTS
'I have been assertive'
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Positive
affirmations
give hope
Gain self-
confidence
Become your
own person
Cast off the
limitations
Better for
our mental
well-being
Power of Affirmations
Improve our
inner voices
Use Positive
Affirmations
Regularly
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Affirmations for Work
I am a competent and confident person
I am an attractive and interesting person
People listen to what I have to say
At meetings I make a significant contribution
I am independent of the approval of others
I can always find opportunities in situations of change
I am creating my desired future
Some of these
affirmations may
appeal, others
may not.
Develop a set for
yourself
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Affirmations for Life
I am what I am
I am at one with myself and my world
I respect myself and all living things
In loving myself I love others
I am continually developing towards my inner self
In giving I achieve more
I am open to the opportunities this day brings
Some of these
affirmations may
appeal, others
may not.
Develop a set for
yourself
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Skills for Assertiveness
1Driving Force 1
DESC (Describe, Express,
Specify, Clarify)
Broken record
Fogging
Negative inquiry
Negative assertion
I statements
Disagreeing gracefully
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

S
DESC
Describe the actions
or behaviour that you
see as taking place
Express why that
behaviour is an issue
Specify the resulting
actions or change of
behaviour you would
like to effect
Clarify the consequences for
failing to change behaviour
or meet demands
E
D
C
C
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Broken Record
Broken Record
1. Repeat yourself again and
again and again, until the person
gives in or concedes to your demands.
2. Most people capitulate after
you repeat yourself three times.
Broken record is particularly useful when:
•Dealing with those in authority
•You are not getting what you are entitled to
•Dealing with people brighter or more fluent than you
•The other person is likely to use put-downs
Because you just have to repeat yourself,
broken record is really easy to use.
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Broken record
EXAMPLE
You: ‘The program was not up to standard,
and we did not cover all the elements said
in the brochure so I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘Other people have not complained,
in fact some of the evaluations are excellent.’
You: ‘They might be, but I want a refund
because the work was not up to standard.’
Reply: ‘In my opinion as a course tutor
the course was up to standard.’
You: ‘I can appreciate that is your
opinion but I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘It is not our policy to give refunds.’
You: ‘That may be your policy but I want
a refund.’
Broken Record
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Fogging
Fogging
1. Fogging is useful when
someone is putting pressure
on you to do something
2. Thus your response to the
request is to put up a fog
Listen to what the person says, and decide
whether or not you wish to comply. If not,
then using their words, or similar, acknowledge
their need but state your case.
This method is a very polite method of
saying ‘No’.
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Negative Enquiry
Negative
Enquiry
Enquiry is real fun.
You invite extra criticism and/or
examples so that you have the
benefit of additional feedback.
ACCUSATION
• ‘You’re lazy’
• ‘You’re always late’
• ‘You’re stupid’
• ‘You’re selfish’
REPLY
• ‘Oh really, in what way?’
• ‘Always? How do you
know that for a fact?’
• ‘My understanding may
be different from yours,
what exactly do you mean
by that?’
• ‘Can you explain why
this particular instance
has caused you to
brand me with
such a
label?’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Negative Assertion
Negative
Assertion
1. When people call us names,
or give us negative labels, we usually
wish to defend ourselves
2. Aggressive or manipulative people who
do this to us soon find our weak spots.
3. Negative assertion is like jujitsu where you
use the power of your protagonist to turn the
situation to your advantage
4. No one is perfect, so in negative assertion
All you do is accept the part of the that is true,
in a matter of fact way
Look at the examples:
‘If you think that, you must be stupid’
You: ‘I admit I’m not the brightest person
around’
‘And you are always making mistakes’
You: ‘Yes, I do make mistakes
occasionally’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

I Statements
I Statements 1. ‘I’ statements are among
the most powerful you can
make, both for yourself and others
2. In ‘I’ statements you are
affirming who you are
and what you want.
‘I’ statements can be used
in a variety of ways:
● Situation
● Interpretation and understanding
● Feelings and emotions
● Wants and needs
● Future actions
Using them is the
hallmark of assertivenessCopyright © 2008 - 2012

● ‘I get the impression you are not
interested’
● ‘I have the feeling you don’t want my
ideas’
● ‘I think you are ignoring me’
These statements are powerful
because you’re describing your
interpretation of a situation, not
just the situation itself.
•‘I have been asked to work late three
times this week’
● ‘I see that I have been passed over
for promotion again’
● ‘I notice that you have not spoken to
me for three days’
Situation statements are powerful
because they are factual and, as an
observation on
your part, they are non-negotiable.
● ‘I want you to pay attention’
● ‘I want your full co-operation’
● ‘I want you to be on time’
The strength of these statements is
that they let the other person know
your exact
position and what you expect.
● ‘I feel betrayed’
● ‘I feel taken advantage of’
● ‘I feel angry, disappointed,
cross, annoyed’
This is not about feelings, but
really a way to express your
opinion more strongly. Again,
these statements are powerful
because they are non-
negotiable or irrefutable.
● ‘I want you to pay attention’
● ‘I want your full co-operation’
● ‘I want you to be on time’
The strength of these
statements is that they let the
other person know your exact
position and what you expect.
I Statements
Interpretation and
understanding
Situation
Feelings and emotions
Wants and needs
I
Future Actions
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Interpretation:
‘I think you are
trying to do as
little as possible
without me’
Future
Action: ‘I am
going to
report you if
you do this
again’
Want:
‘So I want
you to do
what I ask
even if I’m
not there to
supervise
you’
Feelings: ‘I
feel
disappointed
and annoyed
that I have to
repeat
myself’
I statements
Situation:
‘I see that
this is the
third time you
have not
done as I
requested’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Disagreeing Gracefully
Disagreeing
Gracefully
1. Occasionally there will
be disagreements
2. Acquiescing or, the opposite,
attacking, are not constructive
responses.
Following a simple step-by-step process will help
you put your case without getting emotional,
losing your integrity or losing your respect for the
other person.
The Process
1. Affirmative Statement
2. Softening Statement
3. Indicate Process
4. State Reasons
5. Disagree
6. Offer a compromise*
•The compromise is optional
and it is for you to decide
whether or not to make a
concession.Copyright © 2008 - 2012

•This is simply saying ‘YES’. It might
sound strange saying this when you
are
•disagreeing. But if you say ‘NO’ the
other person immediately goes into
argument mode
•and is less likely to listen. You are
using ‘yes’ to prepare them for what
you are going to
•say, not to indicate that you agree
with them.
Most people’s views are influenced by
their background, experience or
profession. You can show that you
recognize this within the context of a
softening statement. Here are some
examples:-
● ‘As an engineer I can understand why
you take such a position’
● ‘As someone much older than myself,
with different values, I can understand
where you come from’
This explains to the person the
process you will use to outline your
position or your reasons for the
stance that you have taken. Here are
some examples:
● ‘If I may, I would like to say
something about that ...’
● ‘Let me give you my reasons’
Here you simply give the
reasons or justification for your
position. This can either be
done in a straightforward way,
or you can give a balanced view
of pros and cons,
explaining why you have come
down on the side that you have.
Do not apologize or use
tentative language here. Use
the strongest language that
you can, remembering to
accompany what you have said
with appropriate body
language. Here are some
examples:
● ‘So I cannot agree with you’
● ‘So I must disagree’
● ‘So I think you are mistaken’
The two letters of the adverb
The Softening
Statement
Affirmative Statement
Indicate Process
State Reasons
Disagree
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Disagreeing
Gracefully
Affirmative 1. ‘Yes’
Softening 2. ‘I can quite understand why you would like
me to stay in and keep
you company as I have done the last three Saturdays’
Indicate 3. ‘Let me explain why tonight is so important to
me’
State 4. ‘I particularly want to see this production of
Macbeth because it has
had excellent reviews and if I don’t see it tonight I will
miss it’
Disagree 5. ‘So I have decided that I am going to go out’
Compromise 6. ‘But I am more than happy to keep you
company tomorrow.’
EXAMPLES
Position: ‘I don’t think you
should go out tonight’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

“Neither Nice Nor Nasty”
Do I really want this or am I pleasing someone else?
What is the benefit to me of saying ‘yes’?
If I do it will I enjoy it?
Do I have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ right now?
Do I need more information before I make my decision?
Do I want an alternative?
What is the cost of saying ‘no’?
Checklist for when you want to say `NO’:
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Four Steps To Saying “No”
.
Listen to the request - Make sure you understand the request
completely before coming to a hasty conclusion. Clarify if needed.
Say no immediately - You do not need to justify your decision. If
you start doing so, you will prolong the conversation unnecessarily.
Give a reason for your refusal – Without giving a reason, you may
come off as uncooperative or hostile. A clear and honest reason.
Offer to find an alternative – Let the other party know that you will try
to help them but you are unable to perform the entire request.Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Do Not Feel
shy. Most
people hesitate
to say NO.
Start your
sentence with
a NO
Use an
empathetic
response.
Ask time to “
Think it over”
Stay resolved
not let being
pushed over.
Practical Tips for Saying “ NO”
Never say Yes
when you want
to say else you
will resent and
repent what
you agreed to
do.
Just Say NO
When You
Want TO…
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Body language while saying NO
Shake your
head “no”
when you
say NO.
Never smile
when saying
NO, it weakens
the message.
Avoid nods
and Aha s
when about
to say NO.
Stand up if
other person
is up to make
level eye
contact while
saying NO.
Preempt your NO
when you sense
unjustified
burden
is heading
your way.
Practical Tips for everyone
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Other Assertive Words
“Thank You” ‘Thank you’ is an interesting
phrase. We are brought up
to say ‘please’ when we want
something. But, if we say
‘please’ we are asking the
person for something.
.The ‘thank you’ becomes assumptive.
In other words you assume that what
you ask for will be done or given.
Judicial use of ‘thank you’ can be exceptionally
powerful.
• ‘I would like to be quiet now. Thank you.’
• ‘I would like you to help me. Thank you.’
• ‘I want you to pay attention. Thank you.’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

“If”
The conjunction ‘if’ is exceptionally
powerful when you want to make a
concession or give something away.
The ‘if’ acts as a piece of elastic with
which you can pull back the concession,
if you don’t get what you want.
In life most of us let people have the ‘pudding’ first,
hoping that they will do the decent thing and give us
what we want. If only life was that simple!
● ‘If you do this then I will ...’
● ‘If you work harder I will ...’
● ‘If you co-operate you can have ...’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

”When”
This is another conjunction which is the
same as `if’ when you make it conditional.
It has the same power:
● ‘When you ...’
● ‘When the work has been completed ...’
● ‘When you stop making accusations ...’
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Non Verbal Aspects of
Assertiveness
Eye Contact
-Passive uses
very little
-Aggressive
never drops
eye contact
-Assertive
person uses
about 50 % of
the time
Voice Tone
-Non Assertive
: Too Soft,
Hard to hear
-Aggressive:
Too Loud
-Assertive:
effective tone
modulation
Posture
-Passive: Fold
in themselves
and make
small fidgets.
-Aggressive:
Confront and
stand up.
Assertive:
Stand up tall
straight.
Position and
Space
-Respect
keeping on the
same level.
-Sit down if
the other is.
-Stand up
when the
other is.
-keep arms
distance
Facial
Expression
-Face should
reflect the
emotion being
expressed.
-“I am Angry”
needs serious
expression.
“Delighted”
needs a happy
expression
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Non Verbal Assertiveness
Gestures:
Notice these Gestures while interacting
Hands on hips: Aggressive
Nodding head : Yes
Pointing with a pen in a
aggressive gesture
Pointing with a pen in a
aggressive gesture
Clinching fist
Shaking Head : NO
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Verbal Assertive
Communication
Restatement:
Say back to the pother
person what you have
heard him or her say.
Reflection:
Indicate what you both saw,
heard and interpreted when
the other person spoke.
Clarification:
Ask the speaker to be more
definitive about a point or to
clear up an assumption that
you are making or a conclusion
that you are drawing.
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Elements of Assertive
Communication
Soft
Assertion
This is a kind of
statement that does
not require
anything of the
listener.
- A T-Shirt with
“Save Whales”
written on it does
not demand any
action from you but
lets you know the
stand of the person
wearing it.
Basic
Assertion
This is more of a
simple statement
conveying what you
want out of a
situation. Simplicity
remains the key to
this kind of
assertion.
-“ I don’t want to
go to the movie this
weekend”
Empathetic
Assertion
This is the most
effective type of
assertion one can
make. It tries to
imagine how the
other person may
feel.
- “I Know that you
may be feeling
frustrated with so
many attempts, but
I just don’t want to
leave any stone
unturned.”
Escalating
Assertion
This kind of
assertion has a
specific
consequence
attached to it.
- “If you get this
proposal accepted
I’ll see to it that you
get a hike in the
forthcoming
review.”
Confrontive
Assertion
This is a type of
statement which is
made when a
mutual agreement
has been violated.
-“We had decided
to complete the
quarterly reports by
Friday cease work.
Since that has not
happened so far we
will have to work
over the weekend”
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Accepting responsibility by
Negative Assertion
A negative assertion is essentially accepting the responsibility
of a mistake that has been committed.
When George
Washington
said “I’m sorry Dad,
I chopped down the
cherry tree.” it was
a case of negative
assertion.
When it is difficult
For people to say
”I’m Sorry” they
avoid negative
assertion in a
manner that
hurts others feelings.
-“I’m Sorry you
felt that way but I
had to…..”
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Step 1: Maintain Record
•Maintain a log of all your
affirmations, goals,
ambitions, rights,
achievements etc
•Read and update this
record regularly.
Step 2 : Inspiration form
Idols
•Read up on all your heroes &
idols.
•Make a list of values,
affirmations and attitudes to
inspire you to follow.
Step 4: Look back
•At the end of each day look
back.
•Analyze the various aspects.
•Practice and rehearse
on the new responses.
Step 5: Meet Problems
Upfront
•Confront particular situations,
persons whenever possible.
•You will sharpen your
assertiveness skills and in
turn build up confidence.
Step 6: Compliment often
•List people who matter and
think 3 good things for each.
-Compliment at least 3 people
everyday..
-Make use of ‘I’ statements
Step 7: Get a Guru
•Find out one person whom
you really admire and request
his mentorship.
•Discuss your goals, ambitions,
objectives and problems with
your Guru.
Step 8 : Gather Feedback
•Make a list of people whom
you trust and ask their frank
and correct feedback.
•Ask about your strengths,
confidence, assertiveness.
•Work on them seriously.
Step 10 : Be at It
•Remember to practice your
assertiveness skills on all
occasions.
•Continual practice will help
gain confidence faster.
Step 3: Note to Analyze
•Think what you want.
•Script out what to say.
•Learn your script.
•Practice your script verbally.
•Practice your script with
appropriate body language.
10 Step Action Plan
Step 9 : Boost Confidence
•Make efforts to boost self
esteem by adopting image
enhancement measures.
•Work out to get in shape,
take care in your dressings
and personality traits.
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Assertiveness skills

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